Tuesday, December 12, 2006


The five letters that everyone should know to understand Calvinist. I I know the letters but I forget what they mean.

I have decided thought hat I must not me elect. Yesterday I got in an \argument with my director. I have been her assistant and something came up that we disagreed on or rather that I was trying to explain but at the moment she was not understanding. I think it has to do with the fact that English is her second language. Any way I just dropped the argument because we were in the middle of class so it was not a good place to continue the argument. Any way I went back to work on the set. I was angry, those of you who know what I can do in my anger understand that it is best to leave me alone till I have a chance to cool off. But as soon as class was over she came over and said, "what is your problem?"

I had known that she was going to come over so I had been thinking of what I would say and how I would say it and I said, "I don't want to talk to you right now." my friends would be glad to know that I did not snap, I was firm, but I did not snap, it was the calmest I had ever said that statement ever.

she walked away not pressing the subject, but before she left the stage she said, "you know that is not very Christian."

personally I think that that statement coming from one Christian to an other is the most venomous thing they could say. It is pride full, condemning, Rank with condemnation. And it sent me to the wash room to cry. I was controlling my anger, something I have struggled with all my life, sense when was that not the Christian thing to do?

latter I found out that my director had heard me say that I never wanted to speak to her again. Which is impossible, she is my friend. But I guess that is how Elphaba felt when she sang no good deed goes un punished.

I can not win. No matter what I do controlling my anger or not I hurt people. I have diced that if the Calvinist are right I must not be elect, because no matter how I try I always end up failing.

Monday, November 13, 2006

abstract art

Life sucks right now. it is like everything is going wrong. I am so angry, I just wish I had a big piece of stretched canvas lots of house paint and big real brushes. and just splash paint everywhere. Streaks of color to mirror something that has no shape no figure, only the anger, frustration, and depression in my soul.

like Joshua (from dark angel) said, “it’s Alex, see here were all the color is, lots of tricks and treats, but underneath, darkness.”

I don’t care what those idiots in focus on the family think, abstract art is art. Cause art mirrors the soul of the one who painted it. And a soul has no shape, no defined thing. It just is emotion thought feeling.

Art is an expression, it is a way to let go and reach into something that is unreachable, un-seeable unattainable.

The reason people do not think that abstract art is art is because they don’t understand it. When they look at it they don’t see what it might be what it is, what it could be. Only the face value of the object.

They are afraid to let themselves go, afraid what they might find, afraid to fall into the apparent nothing ness of the soul. They have build up a stain glass masquerade to hide what they really feel, a fortress that keeps all the crakes and imperfections hid so no one will have any Idea that they might be struggling. That they might not be the Christians everyone thinks they are. They become plastic people who only allow them selves to feel the amount of emotion people were allowed to feel in the Giver.

It is jumping into the existentialism of it all. not the idea that we some how become absorbed into God, but commune with him that is freeing and striping a way at ever mask every carefully covered stain or hidden crack. a place were we become a tea cup in water fall, his loves rushes over us and we are filled to over flowing with is love, or like a windmill in a hurricane as the spirit rushes all around. There we meet with the God who created it all. Abstract art is not taking away from the celebration of God’s creation it is exploring it in a way that normal people can not.

It is what creates the camp high that any youth group kid could describe or rather not because that is not explainable. It is something you either know or don’t know, understand or are confused by.

The amazing awe inspiring power and glory of the holiness of God shows up in its indescribable way. Words fall short, as the prophets Ezekiel, Isaiah, and the disciple John fond as they tried to tell others what they had seen. When are caught up in it as Isaiah was. We see our sin, we see our ugliness, but we also see him, his love his care his forgiveness.

Friday, March 03, 2006

tatoos what is the point?

There are three things that the younger generation does that the older generation does not like or understand. Tattoos, piercing and random collard hair. Each generation looks at these things differently. A form of self-injury, or a narcissistic expression says the older generation, the younger sees these are a fashion statement and expression of individuality.
These thoughts come out of a conversation I had with my aunt who asked the question “why would you do that to your body?” after seeing an advertisement for a TV show about people’s tattoo. So why do people tattoo themselves is it just a form of self-injury and rebellion or could it be something more?
Tattoos are seen as a form of rebellion. But others see it as a form of expression and for remembrance. At one time tattoos were symbols for status. Warriors would tattoo themselves if they were victorious in battle
Whether it is to remember and important event or experiences as actor Orlando bloom, he has a tattoo of the Elvin number nine to remember his experience being a part of the LOTR epic. Or to commemorate becoming a special group of friends such as the Bangoer Sisters did as a sign of allegiance two each other. Or a tattoo to day can be for a person who had an impact on someone. One of my best friends sports a tattoo that she got because of her friend who died tragically on his senior trip
Thou at the moment I do not have a tattoo I want one. (I am just a little chicken) I have not yet perfected the design but I know the basis of what I want. It is full of symbolism. A butterfly which symbolizes second life, or second birth, and Elvin eight the number of new beginnings, and finally Christian fish which is an important symbol of the God who I love dearly.
As an author I use tattoos in many different ways. For one character she has a tattoo for every significant event in her life. Symbols that remind her who she is and were she has come from starting with one on her shoulder of to overlapping orbs she was given on the night of her birth, showing the reason why she was cursed and left to die when she was only hours old. Another character has a tattoo of a compass on the small of her back. This tattoo is a symbol of her position as the leader and guide of her people. A their character has a series of black letters and numbers tattooed on his chest, a type of identification number that is a remnant of a time when his people were the genetically engineered army of the earth’s government. The fourth is a group of characters that each has a tattoo that expresses their loyalty to one an other.
So maybe tattoos are what you make them. Perhaps they are symbols, which mean different things to the person who had the tattoo. And maybe before we write them off as a rebel or a self-injury then we need to find the reason for the decorating of their body.