Monday, June 25, 2007

family camp update,,,,Stupid

I have done a lot of stupid things in my life. I have thought a lot of stupid things in my life. tonight deffinetly is one the top list of stupid things i have thought.

Tonight was the ordination service at family camp. now this may seem strange to some people but the odrination services are some of my favorit services to go to. for some reason God always speaks to me at these services in an amazing way. and tonight this was no different. God reafrimed my calling and my passion. He quieted my fears about being ordained and my hesitations.

But there was something else that happened at the service, something else that has left me mopei and depressed. and it is the stupidest thing. you ready? okay prepare yourself because this is really stupid.

through the service i kept thinking two more years...two more years till its me sitting in that front row listening to the words of the area GS and the DS. two more years, that doesn't seem like a long time. and you know what the scary part was i reolized that i would be most likely standing there alone. unlike the young men who will be ordained the same year as me they will most likely be married or engaged. this is most likely.

now before you say oh a lot can happen in two years, here's the thing, the guy friends that I have are either married, taken, or in the youth group that i lead. yeah a lot can happen in two years but guess what from where i am standing there are no prospects, and I am not sure i want to get married anyway, but that is another story to be told at another time.

and it is not the standing alone part that gets me, it is the finel prayer that people say over the canidates. Now I have never been to a ordination service were a man who was ordained was single. he has always married or engaged. I am not saying that it doesn't happen but i have not seen it. the prayer over these men and over their wives about how God should straingthen them and help them be a good helpmeet.

the only person i have seen get ordained who was single was a female missionary to russa, and you know what they prayed over her, they prayed that God woud bring a future husben into her life to help her in her ministry.

Now these thoughts were comng together in my head during different times in the survice and i thought, I don't want anyone to pray that over me. at least not out loud where i have to know about it.

Not because i am against marrage, i think it is a great thing and If god has it planned for my life then fine, but rather because it strickes a hurt that is very deep that i have only come to understand resently. to me praying this where i can hear it for me would be like saying that without a husben without a man I am inadiquet to fulfill the calling that God has placed on my heart. now I know that that is not what these ministrs mean, I know that is not what most people mean. but I am so tired of little things that have been said to me that have attempted to steal my ablity to feel complete without a husbend.

So now i am sitting at the camp ground feeling depresed over this whole marrage thing and suddenly being afraid to go through the odination cerimony.

Like i said Stupid.

Thursday, June 21, 2007

Movie review

Today I must recomend this movie. it is a wonderful black and white film that is about the struggles of one family on the homefront during world war two. unlike most WWII movies this film looks at the war from the eyes of those who were left behind by Husben and father, and a boy friend.
As the movie unfoilds the charectors face the realities of the war and how it effects them. whether it is chosing to not use the black market, or entertaining the many soldures on leave to missing thier father and not knowing where he is. this movie looks into the choses that people made in this era to survive and do their part of the war.
there is no concetration camps or explosive battle senes, rather it is people dealing with the war on a level that is less glamerous but is just as much a part of the war.

Tuesday, June 19, 2007

a request

I have a storyt hat i am wanting to sent to a publisher. but be fore that happends I need to have some one else read it and edit it. now I know that you are all buisy but i was wondering if any of you would mind editing it for me and just giving me a overal how it well it is written, or if it is any good. if some would not mind doing that then please let me know.

Thursday, June 14, 2007

Depressing thursday

Good news there is a new instalment to my story, hope you you enjoy.

other then that I have been very depressed lattly. work sucks, simply. and i don't mean my work at the church, that is fine, it is my other job. the one i had to get becasue i have this thing called studentloans.

basically they are short handed. if I wanted to be full time there my boss would probably do a happy dance. as it is now i am working there way more then i want to. i have not had the time to paint sence i started working there. this week i don't feel like i even have time to write. i hope someone else gets hired soon, I don't know how much longer i can take this schedual. I am sure it will pass, eventually.

Monday, June 11, 2007

Worship Journal 1

I wonder if maybe some people go through the motions in worship so much that they have forgotten what worship is. you know that they think that they are worshiping but really they are not. somehow we lose.

I just wonder if sometimes we don't put up barrios between Us and God and God and others.

some times i think worship becomes about us and not about god. even in this war of music. all music belongs to God, even the fluffy stuff can be worship, (yes i did say that, after all what good would a pillow be if there was no fluff?)

I wonder If God is worshiped during the singing part of my service? Is it just a performances for those on the stage, is it just going through the motions for those in the pews, or do we come to lay our hearts on the alter as a sacrifice?

Tuesday, June 05, 2007

New to HBO

so HBO has a new TV show. it is called big love and it is a bout a poligamust mormon family. I am in shock but i guess i really shouldn't be because after all there is a lds canadate for the 2008 election. I am apoled though that this practice which has mostly been practiced by more fanatical groups of mormonism is now being paraded on primetime television. the feminist in me lashes out because this is so direogatoriy towards women, and discusting. why should a man demand not to share his wife but a wife must share her husbend? it is steps backwards for the sefferadge of women.

but in this age of talarence we must see that there is a second side to this story. maybe he really loves all three of his wives... you know that can't eat, can't sleep reach for the stars, over the fince world series Love.

or maybe it is one of the many other reasons for getting married, you know money, stablity, lonleyness, family honnor, salvation (at least for the mormon), sex, kids, and i am shure that there are other reasons that for marrage.

I have not seen this show yet, but i think i will try to find a way to watch it because i only have some rabit ears and don't get HBO. i have a feeling thought that it will be the mormon version of the Deona Reed show. perfect happy loving family where the house is always clean, and the food is one the table the minuet the husben comes home from work and the wife always looks her best.