I have done a lot of stupid things in my life. I have thought a lot of stupid things in my life. tonight deffinetly is one the top list of stupid things i have thought.
Tonight was the ordination service at family camp. now this may seem strange to some people but the odrination services are some of my favorit services to go to. for some reason God always speaks to me at these services in an amazing way. and tonight this was no different. God reafrimed my calling and my passion. He quieted my fears about being ordained and my hesitations.
But there was something else that happened at the service, something else that has left me mopei and depressed. and it is the stupidest thing. you ready? okay prepare yourself because this is really stupid.
through the service i kept thinking two more years...two more years till its me sitting in that front row listening to the words of the area GS and the DS. two more years, that doesn't seem like a long time. and you know what the scary part was i reolized that i would be most likely standing there alone. unlike the young men who will be ordained the same year as me they will most likely be married or engaged. this is most likely.
now before you say oh a lot can happen in two years, here's the thing, the guy friends that I have are either married, taken, or in the youth group that i lead. yeah a lot can happen in two years but guess what from where i am standing there are no prospects, and I am not sure i want to get married anyway, but that is another story to be told at another time.
and it is not the standing alone part that gets me, it is the finel prayer that people say over the canidates. Now I have never been to a ordination service were a man who was ordained was single. he has always married or engaged. I am not saying that it doesn't happen but i have not seen it. the prayer over these men and over their wives about how God should straingthen them and help them be a good helpmeet.
the only person i have seen get ordained who was single was a female missionary to russa, and you know what they prayed over her, they prayed that God woud bring a future husben into her life to help her in her ministry.
Now these thoughts were comng together in my head during different times in the survice and i thought, I don't want anyone to pray that over me. at least not out loud where i have to know about it.
Not because i am against marrage, i think it is a great thing and If god has it planned for my life then fine, but rather because it strickes a hurt that is very deep that i have only come to understand resently. to me praying this where i can hear it for me would be like saying that without a husben without a man I am inadiquet to fulfill the calling that God has placed on my heart. now I know that that is not what these ministrs mean, I know that is not what most people mean. but I am so tired of little things that have been said to me that have attempted to steal my ablity to feel complete without a husbend.
So now i am sitting at the camp ground feeling depresed over this whole marrage thing and suddenly being afraid to go through the odination cerimony.
Like i said Stupid.