Wednesday, October 12, 2011
I learned that I was not cut out to be a missionary. It just didn't fit. Don't get me wrong I loved this experience, I loved the people, I did not freak out with culture shock. I just didn't fit, I didn't belong there.
Part of this I didn't realize as much when I was there as when I got back. But really by the time I left i knew I would probably never be a full time missionary. Specifics are hard to say because really this is more a feeling then anything else but there are some specifics.
First, I don't think that any of the people thought there was anything wrong with me but my personality and the way I saw the world did not jive well. This actually did not become obvious to me till I got back and I got an email for one of my friend which told me that I needed to grow up if Iexpected to be taken seriously. it was an email that stuck me as strange, part of what I value is to always try to see the world new, to keep an innocents about myself, and not forget the wonder of the world. Like when I say that I can't find something in my purse because there are brownies living in it, or when I see mushrooms suddenly pop up that the fairies must have visited last night. Some how this was viewed as immature, and that hurt. and so I realized that maybe it was best for me to find a ministry in the states.
Second I like living in the states. I love the seasons, and that if find places to fit, where I am able to be myself.
Third this was one of the times that I knew that I wanted to be a writer more then anything else. I came up with some really neat ideas for stories, some of them are still in the idea stage but one day they may see the light of the world. this was something else that was hard for the people I worked with to understand. that I loved to write stories of things that weren't real. I should mention that this is a country that doesn't really read anyway so that probably had something to do with it.
So this experience I why reolized I was not cut out to be a missionary. that was too high and lofty a position for me it seems. It was surprising how not sad I was at this I had wanted to be a missionary for many years.